Friday, October 17, 2014

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans, or: Dark Horizon

If things had happened as planned, I would be at the Comic Fair right now. Or rather: I would have been at the Comic Fair for the last 2 days, and now would take the train back home, sitting in the reserved seat that come with a 1st class upgrade for just 5 Euro more. It would have been my first 1st class seat since ages. That is, if the train had been going at all, as the railroad engineer's are starting their labour strike again, Which isn't the point of this post, but which connects to the general theme of these days, and to all those who have plans and tickets and an idea of how their week would shape out. And then watch it all turn to question marks.

It was this time last week that the question mark for me popped up: i was trying to figure out some problem, scratching my skin unconsciously, and while doing so, discovered a knot in my left breast. Since then, the focus of everything pretty much shifted to this knot of cells. And to statistics and examinations and learning about all those things you don't really want to learn about.

The odd things was that just a day before that, I had been at Frankfurt Book Fair, and was excited to see the poetry booth in the Finnland hall. They did "brain poetry", with one of those headsets that catches the magnetic vibes and the rhythm of the  brain waves. I tried it. In German. This is the poem I received, the rhythm of my brain on that day that was unshadowed yet:

Dream long time
Petal, the red 
Ground cherry, the 
Often scattered 
Prayer of the poet
Dark Horizon.

Yes. Dark Horizon. Out of the blue. Like it happened in real, one day later. In cherry-size. Followed by a prayer. By me, the poet/writer/blogger who was lost for words in the following days.

Still not sure how to write about this topic. The short version of this week boils down to: it looks not too bad in ultrasound and in x-ray. Meaning, the chances are rather on the benign side: 80:20 is the ratio that defines the time to come right now. A biopsy is on the way. It will tell more, but then again, all this is a reminder that you never really know. That the ratio of our life is an equation with many unknown factors.

I already had an appointment at the clinic. (Everything is both fast forward and wait-state). That's where the "Sigk" photo is from, not from the clinic itself, but from the school next to it. The photo below is from the clinic hall, they have several large paintings in the entry area. This is one of them.

Next week I will know a bit more. Like I wrote, I don't yet know how to write about this. But then, it would feel weird not to write about it. What else would there really be to write about? Heck, I couldn't even really write about the books I am reading right now. Or the links I follow.

Plus, in the last days, I read articles and blogs from others who have been in the same place. It helps. It gives an idea. It is also scary to read how many have to deal with it: every 10th woman.

Here are some links:


rosehunterblog said...

I really think our subconscious "knows," when there is something wrong, when we are sick…. This is all really scary. My best healing wishes to you, and more. I will keep checking in. You're in my thoughts.

Dorothee said...

Thanks for your thoughts and wishes. And yes, our bodies. On some level, they know so much more than we do. A friend noted that maybe that's why I scratched there: because my body knew that there was something wrong in that spot.